Thursday, October 4, 2012

On the Zephyr

Sept 15th alas the day has arrived, were zipping along the track in the Nevada dessert ,Aka  the great basin I can’t but wonder at the amazing experience I enjoyed those far. The day started with nothing extra ordinary other then the inability to sleep. So I rise at 2 AM to excited for any kind of sleep, my feelings reminds me of my first Disneyland trip, so eager to take the challenge, am I ready, are all my bags packed, did I forget anything only time will tell. Picking up the bus at Lodi Station and arriving in Sacramento and toting my bags a short wall through the tunnel

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

What Lies Within

Aug 10th it’s 35 more wonderful days at the time of this writing till I board the Zephyr to Chicago’s Union Station for a 3+ hour layer over before the Capital Limited arrives in the windy city. Maybe I’ll get a chance to step out door, grab a little of the street life and soak in the moment. As I anticipate the steps from the door of my residence with baggage in tow and just a very short walk to Lodi station to board the bus to Sacramento, I no doubt will be filled with awe plus wonderment, but yet filled with a little fear. What kind of fear? I don’t know maybe of the unknown or unfulfilled expectations, what can possible go wrong or right, Iris luck, serendipity?  They say the greater the risk, greater the reward, time can only tell. Truly the only fear I have is that of myself, when I look in the mirror I constantly see the enemy so lays the great question? What does one do about it What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us! From Ralph Waldo Emerson

From the days of my youth fear has always been at the EPIC center of my life, but in my latter years I’ve discovered the core of my anxieties and I’m willing to conquer in time the enemy that is within…….. A.A‘s view of 100 forms of fear can be summed up as said below

                                           Selfishness and self-centeredness that we think is the root of our trouble. Driven by a hundred forms of fear... We learn certain behaviors, attitudes, and ways of thinking as the ism creeps up on us. These things all have a basis in fear. The fears feed on themselves taking us to a place of self-delusion such as I "need" a drink, I am to fat, one more roll of the dice and I'll be set for life. The excuses start to roll like an avalanche soon completely engulfing not just the self but all those around us. The need to protect the idea that we are OK and everyone else is wrong causes us to become even more dishonest. This self seeking behavior only compounds the problem as inevitably we get caught in our dishonesty. This process leads us to such a place of self pity that we find ourselves totally isolated. A place where even when we ARE able to be honest those around us take it with a grain of salt waiting for the next episode……taken from

Early in my recovery I had to change only one thing and that was everything. I had to get honest with God, myself and another human being.  When I sit in court with loved ones while waiting their fate, I’m amazed at how a whole industry evolved just to serve these unfortunates and all it takes is some attitude adjustment. We live by our choices and them alone we live. At a very young age I learned how to manipulate my mother just by using my GOOD behavior. I was blessed with enough wisdom to sit back, watch and observe all things for which I still do today. Being all so humbled today I can count my blessings, realizing that God did indeed kept a safe hand on me, even with all my foolishness and ill decisions.  Remember “Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and all we have is the present, that is why we call it a gift

If the world is your oyster than what is your pearl? Now come with me mates and let’s sail to ports of call unknown

Bon Voyage

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I can only be this one thing I see!

I can only be this one thing I see! What do I see? Good question!

 Hey you?


Yes you?

What about me?

I don’t know what about you?

I don’t know about me either…………this is the question I ask myself every day, as I wake to a new dawn each day and  strike the candle of meditation with  my first cup of Jo….. But every time I search myself it’s always someone else I see. These thoughts run through my mine like LP vinyl of yesterday or the repetitive play of the 8 track; why, how come and why again as that persistent child of enquire on just the most innocent conversation. Life is complicated and complex with all its daily challenges and what I’m doing about it?  Nothing: just writing this blog, SILLYJ Just remember with all of yesterday’s events and tomorrow’s plans are untouchable, all we have is the tangible moment. I may never know who I am, but this one thing I do know; I’m not the smartest knife in the drawer, but not the dullest either, but eventfully I cut  to chase, reach my next mile stone on life’s journey  and looking  back without regret or chose to forget it and move on to my next mile stone…….

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Somewhere Beyond the Sea

Somewhere beyond the sea
somewhere waiting for me
my lover stands on golden sands
and watches the ships that go sailin'....

I just love the lyrics and melody of the Bobby Darin hit song of the days of yore. I remember when I was a young lad growing up in east side Stockton climbing an old English walnut tree in my backyard at night as if it were  a ships mask and perched in the crows nest straining  to look at the signs along CA State Rt # 99 viewing the signs that dotted the corridors way. I thought of them as monuments or landmarks to adventures that waited for me on golden sands. I often dreamed of being a swashbuckling pirate like Errol Flynn always taking my lady fair and sailing into the golden sunset, but my fears always led me down the path of least resistance. My mother often said Kenneth, if you do, what you want to accomplish, then you must tread where angels fear to tread. It’s taken me 50 plus years of my blessed life to find myself at the crossroads I face today. Suddenly single, I’m making choices that otherwise I couldn’t make being married. Yes it was a very difficult time for me but, by the grace of God and with my faith I’m blessed to have survived the ordeal, for which I had no control. So here I stand what next? Life really does come at you fast…………So where from here?